One good thing about having a blog nobody reads, is that I can say pretty much anything I want and no one will get upset with me. So, I’ve decided to write this post as a way to vent.

For context, more than two years ago I had to put down my cat. He was the last of four and I can’t even begin to describe the bond I had with him. He was my baby and my best friend. I did everything I could to save him when he got sick but eventually I had to do the hard thing and let him go. The grief is indescribable. Due to my current living circumstances I have been unable to get another cat.

So fast forward to this past weekend. My brother recently got a new kitten. He decided that he wanted to go away for the long weekend and asked me if I would look after her for the weekend as he didn’t want to leave her alone so soon for three days. My roommate agreed to it and I brought her home on Friday night.

I knew from the beginning that the kitten wouldn’t be going home on the Monday. She is a crazy little thing who tore around the house like a psycho demon, but when she was calm, she was very sweet and cuddly. It reminded me so much of how much I miss my own cat that when I had to take her home I cried the whole there and back, then cried again in the evening and when I went to bed.

I thought I had been doing much better with my grief but having the kitten in the house just brought it all back. I want to cry now while writing this.

I’ve struggled with depression the majority of my life. Sometimes, I can get into a very dark place. And this resurgence of grief brought me back to that place. Driving home from dropping off the kitten I had thoughts about cutting myself. I won’t do it, I know better at this stage of my life.

This year has not been great for me mentally. My birthday is coming up in a few days and I will be 39. I don’t know why but this birthday has been hard for me to handle. I don’t want to have a party with my friends, I don’t want to go out or even have people over. I want to hide away in my house. I’m going to buy a whole birthday cake and eat it myself.

I’ve been thinking about my life. What have I done with my life? I’m not married, I don’t have children and I have no intention of ever getting married or having kids. I have an ok job. I’m not poor or in debt (anymore). I live in a nice house, but I don’t own it. I rent from my roommate. I have several hobbies that keep me entertained like blogging, reading, crochet, cross stitch and jigsaw puzzles. My life isn’t bad. I know there are people out there who have far worse lives. I still feel like my life is half over and I have nothing to show for it.

I’m not looking for sympathy or pity by posting this. I just need to get it off my chest and don’t want to burden anyone in my life.