Life Update – October 2023

My hamster died.

Friday night I realized I hadn’t seen him for awhile. That isn’t unusual as hamsters are nocturnal and I wouldn’t always see him in the evenings. I figured I should check his water but when I lifted the lid from his cage and he didn’t poke his little nose out to see what was going on (like he always did in the past) I knew he was gone. I looked in his usual spots and he wasn’t there. I found him under his sand bath, burrowed into the bedding. I uncovered him enough to know that he was there and definitely not moving.

My roommate was kind enough to “take care of it” for me as I can’t handle those sorts of things.

I know I should be sad over the loss of a pet, but honestly, I’m not. Even when i was cleaning up all his stuff, I didn’t really feel anything. I feel like a terrible person for not caring, but really, I was never able to bond with him. I tried, I really did, but he would bite me more often than not.

Previously, my roommate said that we could get a dog after the hamster passed away. We haven’t talked about it yet, but we set up a joint account as a “dog fund” some time ago so we have money ready for getting dog supplies and the adoption fee.

Other than that, life moves on as usual.

Life Update September 2023

One good thing about having a blog nobody reads, is that I can say pretty much anything I want and no one will get upset with me. So, I’ve decided to write this post as a way to vent.

For context, more than two years ago I had to put down my cat. He was the last of four and I can’t even begin to describe the bond I had with him. He was my baby and my best friend. I did everything I could to save him when he got sick but eventually I had to do the hard thing and let him go. The grief is indescribable. Due to my current living circumstances I have been unable to get another cat.

So fast forward to this past weekend. My brother recently got a new kitten. He decided that he wanted to go away for the long weekend and asked me if I would look after her for the weekend as he didn’t want to leave her alone so soon for three days. My roommate agreed to it and I brought her home on Friday night.

I knew from the beginning that the kitten wouldn’t be going home on the Monday. She is a crazy little thing who tore around the house like a psycho demon, but when she was calm, she was very sweet and cuddly. It reminded me so much of how much I miss my own cat that when I had to take her home I cried the whole there and back, then cried again in the evening and when I went to bed.

I thought I had been doing much better with my grief but having the kitten in the house just brought it all back. I want to cry now while writing this.

I’ve struggled with depression the majority of my life. Sometimes, I can get into a very dark place. And this resurgence of grief brought me back to that place. Driving home from dropping off the kitten I had thoughts about cutting myself. I won’t do it, I know better at this stage of my life.

This year has not been great for me mentally. My birthday is coming up in a few days and I will be 39. I don’t know why but this birthday has been hard for me to handle. I don’t want to have a party with my friends, I don’t want to go out or even have people over. I want to hide away in my house. I’m going to buy a whole birthday cake and eat it myself.

I’ve been thinking about my life. What have I done with my life? I’m not married, I don’t have children and I have no intention of ever getting married or having kids. I have an ok job. I’m not poor or in debt (anymore). I live in a nice house, but I don’t own it. I rent from my roommate. I have several hobbies that keep me entertained like blogging, reading, crochet, cross stitch and jigsaw puzzles. My life isn’t bad. I know there are people out there who have far worse lives. I still feel like my life is half over and I have nothing to show for it.

I’m not looking for sympathy or pity by posting this. I just need to get it off my chest and don’t want to burden anyone in my life.